When Conner and I got married, I didn’t know a lot of things about myself, of course I thought I did. I knew I was queer by the next year, but thought being pansexual was the extent of that. After about a year and a half of marriage, and lots of self discovery, I learned I’m nonbinary. When I realized this about myself and knew I had to tell Conner, I had almost no fear at all. I’ve always known that Conner will always love me, no matter what I do, who I am, or what I look like. Even though I knew it wouldn’t change the way he felt, I was still pretty nervous, so I told him through text. He was so kind, loving, patient and comforting as we both went through this change together. Conner made it so easy and did everything he could to help me become the me I wanted to be.
Over the next year I changed a lot. I cut off all my hair, and changed my style almost completely. The more I came into myself on the outside, the more I felt like I was still missing something. Eventually, I finally accepted that I’m a transgender-nonbinary man, and I finally felt like me. I was much more nervous this time around telling Conner, I didn’t think things would change much, but on the very slight chance they might, I took my sweet time and eased into it instead of jumping in headfirst like I did the first time. I had no reason to be nervous though. Like I thought he would be, Conner was just as sweet and supportive as he had been the whole past year, if not more so. Of course going through all of these changes together wasn’t immediately easy, as expected there were some bumps along the way. But as I figured out what made me the most comfortable, Conner stayed patient and loving, helping me navigate every step of the way.
Being myself and allowing myself to do and say things for me, not just for approval from others, has allowed me to love myself-really love myself, not just the me I made up to fit in my whole life. I can be myself exactly who I am without judgment, or even the fear of judgment. I feel confident in my identity and where I want to take my journey. I’m more confident trusting myself and my own feelings. I feel confident as myself in my relationship. When Conner tells me he loves me or gives me a compliment, I don’t just brush it off, I believe him. Being transgender is not easy. Being trans, pregnant, and disabled, in America is even less easy. Though as hard as it can be, coming into myself as a trans person has empowered me, given me confidence and such a deep love for myself, and all other humans. Sharing these experiences with my husband, who makes me the happiest person alive, has made it all the more special, and so incredibly beautiful. I still don’t know everything about myself, but I’m so grateful for what I do know, and for the support I have to be the me that makes me happy.